Someone Has Got To Be First

If you have been someone within the past 4 months that has asked me when I was going to have another baby, you would have heard this answer from me "I don't even want to think about having any more kids for a looooong time". But I woke up one morning last week and I felt different A shift had taken place. It started when I saw a friend of mine walking into work with her bulging belly and a glowing essence around her that screamed "I have new life growing inside me!". You can hear the excitement in her voice as she gushes about her new pregnancy symptoms and how tight her pants feel that day. As I listened to her, I felt my face burning and a rising emotion that I have come to know as jealousy. Having had 2 babies in 2 years, I can relate to every sensation that comes with being pregnant with clear familiarity. Just 3 weeks ago I could barely even process the idea of wanting another baby but now I long to experience it all again. The excitement, anticipation, counting down the days, day dreaming of the perfect labor and delivery, being able to savor the moment my baby and I lock eyes. Life is so short and moments like having children is even shorter. I toss and turn in bed fearing that I didn't savor the moments enough or at the time I didn't soak it all in.

There was another time that I wish I could relive as well. It was the day I married Josh. Amongst all the chaos of planning a wedding in 3 months then the blur of the actual day, I don't remember much and I hate that. All I have are pictures that tell me that it actually happened. It's moments like these that need to be appreciated to the fullest because in a blink of an eye, it's over and you have to move on.

There in lies my dilemma. Moving on. I was in a lot of ways I was the first of my friends to get married and start having kids. Now as the years have gone by, more and more of my friends have/or are going to start their own life experiences such as these. As I watch it happening, the jealousy and longing grows with every pregnant belly picture on Facebook or a rundown of all the wedding preparation from an expectant bride. I suppose I find part of my identity in being a wife and a mother and letting go of moments passed is always sad. But the truth is, you can't relive them. Instead you have to try to appreciate the here and now and remember that certain memories are more special than the rest because they are once in a lifetime. So for now, I'll smile and join in on the excitement my friends feel and appreciate the here and now. Lord knows I have so much to be thankful for. As we speak, my 23 month old is running around trying to blow bubbles with a pink bottle brush and it's little memories like these that are uniquely mine.